III. The last unfolding

III. The last unfolding

 

I realize that I'm not in high school anymore. The carefree days are absolutely over. It's hard for me to share everything to you now. I've had high points during my high school life, but it didn't make me a consistent honor student of some sort. I was lazy, and my teachers and classmates during that time knew that very well.

They just didn't mind—maybe because I never minded at all too.

My motto back then was: "The late horse may still come and win the race" Yes, I was also tardy—all the time.

 

Now in college, it doesn't apply to me anymore. Tardiness and Laziness is not an option. It is to be avoided at all times. As of this moment I am striving not to fail. But I can't help it. It seemed like I can't handle the pressure very well.

Penelope on the other hand is actually doing great, but not her best. She has a full scholarship in college and she didn't want to lose that. I have a scholarship too, and it's 20% off of the tuition. It's like a discount in the department store.

I always knew that Penelope wanted to have Mass Communications as her course but her mother does not allow it. It's as if the one who's schooling is her mom. But then again, it's her mom's money—but it's her daughter's life.

My parents gave me the will to choose. But I blew it. I don't have the guts to shift courses. The only thing that would separate me from San Pedro College, school of nursing, is a failure in my subjects.

I remember one of the reflection papers I passed in psychology class. It was to be entitled. The thing that I wanted to do but never did:

"Aha. That's it. I remember now… It was a few months ago—no, it was a year before that. I had decided to follow my friend's advice to take up BSN. My parents were supportive all the way, though I knew they expected something else from me. Summer came and before I realized it, I was enrolled in San Pedro College.

    Now let us fast forward to the present. I can recall it now. I only wanted somebody else to blame in case I fail in this course (because it wasn't entirely my choice in the first place), but now, all I have is myself to blame. Maybe someday, I can make decisions on my own—because my problem now isn't thinking about something that I've always wanted to do but never did, but, think about something that "I want to do", because as of now I couldn't think of it…Since I don't know what I want to do in the first place…"

 

 

 

 

 

Jana, don't take this subject too seriously. Don't take this subject too seriously. Don't take this subject seriously. Don't take this seriously. Don't take this. Don't take. Don't. Don't…     I am sane— It's this world that's crazy.

Jana wrote this during class after she received her nth line of seven in a quiz.

 

 

February 8, 2009   Jana,     Yes, this world is indeed crazy… But so are you.Y I know that you will never cease to complain about nursing (basing on my own experience, I did not stop complaining…hehe) But I know you will (or maybe…) love this course.Y Just go for it and kick some ass. (It wouldn't be so hard with your long steel legs)   Margareta

 

àThe note is written by her sister, Margareta on the next page where Jana left her previous entry. This letter, she found three days later.

 

 

Now that I found the difficulty of the things that I got myself into, I still seek the consolation of others, especially my parents and my sister. (I don't really need the consolation of Penelope because it is really her who needs more consolation)

The thing is, although my sister and I often fight, I remain true to her. I still act like myself in front of Penelope but being with my sister is different. She would say I'm stupid and I wouldn't mind (though I will react and call her an idiot).

She would say the dumbest things, say the most tactless statements and she would slap me and call me names. But she is the only family I have in this place, far away from home.

This is why I'm telling you now that I don't regret my decision for choosing this course—because regretting will never shape our future. I did regret but today's different.

While I continue to talk to you about this I have come to realize that five quizzes from three different subjects and a final exam in P.E. will take place tomorrow. I close my eyes and feel the electric fan messing up my hair while singing the lyrics; "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love 'ya tomorrow, you're always a day away…"

Anyhow whatever the case this is my selection, my choice—I'm going to be a nurse no matter what. Besides, if I go back four months from now, I probably think that I would still choose nursing as my course.

It's a painful decision. However I can still sleep well at night. Then I guess I made the right choice—which probably makes it the best.

How about you, Peggy? Do you think you made the right choice?

All those things I went through, I can never change any of it. The only thing I can do now is to move on, that's exactly why I'm doing it. You know, moving on.

You might've been surprised why you got to interview me, huh? But I really requested the guidance center for this.

The biggest day of your college life is about to come. Are you ready? Haha… You should brace yourself. And tell me what kind of gift you want and I'll get it for you as long as it's not expensive.

As for me, just tell me "God bless" in my studies because surely, God will bless me. Pray for me that I may survive this.

As for you, God bless in your exam. Remember to follow the instructions. And with that said, let us bid each other goodbye for now.

P.S. Let us eat together later—I'm hungry.